My Thoughts on Cherishing My Spouse

My Thoughts on Cherishing My Spouse

I have never truly understood why marriage becomes more work after you have a baby until I had a baby. Now I know that “Since marriage is God’s finishing school,” (Goddard, 2009. P. 37) and the most difficult challenges have yet to come. Lately we’ve been arguing over vaccines and what to do since she has been struggling taking a bottle and I’m supposed to go back to work this week. I’ve been angry, frustrated, and disappointed.

This week though has been particularly stressful. Monday night we argued, last night we fought some more. I was placing blame on my husband that baby girl wasn’t taking a bottle. Maybe if he spent more time with her, if he had taken the time to try putting her to bed every once in awhile, etc. she would be more comfortable with him feeding her a bottle. Then I placed blame on myself: maybe I should have been more persistent that he spend time with her, perhaps I should have started introducing a pacifier or bottle weeks ago, maybe I’m a bad mom for wanting to work part time. My brain wouldn’t stop there; I started thinking of all of these other off-topic frustrations I have with him. All in all it was an awful downward spiral of contempt.

On top of everything else, I needed to get my reading done for school. The topic this week is “Cherishing Your Spouse”. The last thing I wanted to do last night was read about how I should cherish my spouse. Well, reluctantly I finished the reading. Let’s just say I was served a large slice of humble pie.

First of all, Tyler and I have a wonderful relationship. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, he is my best friend. We have had a blast being married for the past 23 months. However, just like any marriage relationship, we have our moments of being fed-up with one another.

“By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.” (Gottman, 1999, p. 65)

I did not like the way I felt last night; I don’t enjoy being upset. I needed a moment (or two or three) to cool off before I could think about all of the wonderful things my husband has done and continues to do for our family. When I did, it made me feel a lot better. He has significantly more positive qualities then negative, and I should be dwelling on that.

The other book I’m required to read had some great, spiritual insight as well. He referred to marriage as the opportunity to create our own Zion. I interpret Zion to mean a refuge from the world, a heaven on earth if you will. Goddard said:

We have limited choices: to chafe and struggle in unsatisfying relationships, or put our natures on the altar for God to change, or we can depart Zion disenchanted… Most of us are quite determined to love perfectly when we make covenants to each other. But we put off the natural man if the resolve is to last. Even if we have had a mighty change of heart – even if at some time in our lives God has filled our souls – every day we decide anew whether to live by the guidelines of the mind of Christ or the imperatives of the natural man. Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love – or whimper in discontent. (Goddard, 2009. P. 38)

Just like I made the choice to marry my husband, I can make the choice whether or not to be Christ like towards him. That is what I need to work on. Choosing to admire the incredible man I chose to marry instead of focusing on any random thing that is bothering me that day. I think I’ll choose to sing the song of redeeming love.

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.