My Thoughts on In-Laws

“Extended family relationships can do much to support and strengthen family members” – James M. Harper & Susanne Frost Olsen

When my husband and I officially became engaged I had one small dilemma: I had no idea what to call my soon-to-be in-laws. Before our new relationship status, I had always referred to them as “Brother Ray” or “Sister Ray”. This title is what we use in the LDS church, especially when younger people address adults; it replaces “Mister” or “Misses”. Since I now had no idea what to call them, and I felt awkward asking, I would avoid ever directly addressing them. If I needed to ask one of them something, I’d wait until they were looking at me before I started talking. Needless to say it was an awkward time in my life, for me – not them.

Then we got married and the dilemma grew even greater. Some of my brother and sister-in-laws called them by their first names, and others called them “Mom” or “Dad”. Again, the confusion! I didn’t know what to do. It felt so weird to call them that right away, but I didn’t want to seem insensitive or something. So for a while I alternated between Mom/Dad and their first names. Then my friends and I talked about it and they agreed that it felt weird to call their in-laws anything but their first names. So, I stopped alternating and switched to their first names again.

(Above: Our parents)

After reading the article by Harper, I’ve learned that I should try to call them Mom and Dad. I won’t be showing any disloyalty to my parents by doing so. “While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents… Likewise, it means a great deal for an in-law to be referred to by siblings simply as “my brother” or “my sister” rather than always being labeled as in-laws.” (Harper P. 331).

Part of the many wonderful reasons why I married my husband is because of his family. It makes such a huge difference to have in-laws that are supportive and loving. My mom always stressed that to me. I have been so lucky to have healthy relationships with my in-laws, both with my husband’s parents and siblings.

(Above: Me and all (but one) of my new sisters - I love this picture!)

I’ve been working on referring to my brother and sister-in-laws as just my brothers and sisters. I know it probably doesn’t make a difference to them (since they probably won’t ever hear me talking about them to other people/referring to them that way), however it has already changed my perspective. This includes my wonderful siblings-in-law on my side of the family. My husband was the last to get married of his 7 siblings, so by the time I came along all of his siblings knew how to welcome me. I was the first to get married on my side, so I need to be better at including new siblings. My sister got married a few months after me, and since our husbands get along so well we’ve all become great friends. Now my brother has recently married. I love his wife dearly and I’m trying hard to include her and become closer to her. It really makes a huge difference when you put effort into making your in-law relationships blossom!

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2 & Chapter 11). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

My Thoughts on Cleaving to our Spouse and Power Relationships

My Thoughts on Cleaving to our Spouse and Power Relationships

“And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” -Henry B. Eyring 

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are taught that when we are married we are to “cleave unto [our spouse] and none else.” I have always thought this was such a beautiful concept. My life changed the moment I kneeled across the alter and was sealed to my husband. That act (marrying my husband) meant that I was promising to give up life as I knew it to create a new family with him. There have been times when I perhaps could have clung a little tighter to Tyler, specifically when we disagree on things.

For example, when we realized that we disagreed about vaccinating our daughter, I talked to his mom about our disagreement. Even though I didn’t say anything necessarily bad about him, it didn’t build our relationship. I should have kept that between us. I should not have discussed it with her-especially since I knew she would agree with me.

Since my husband is applying to medical school, it is imperative that I keep this principle in mind as we decide where to go. As of right now, we are only accepted into one school, so I won’t have to decide. However, I will have to choose how moving will affect my attitude. The school we’ve been accepted to is on the other side of the country. I really will need to cleave unto my husband during that time. I have no doubt that it will be a struggle for the both of us (adjusting to life on the other side of the country, away from family, and life as a medical student/wife). I also have no doubt that if we cling to each other and our faith we will make it out all right.

“When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”–Richard Miller 

The article we read by Richard Miller talks about parents leaving their children be when they are married. This is hitting close to home at the moment. I love my mom very much, but the last couple of weeks she has sent some frustrating texts. One was about a scouting activity of my brothers, explaining how she wants us to be there because family comes first and it would me a lot to him. The other was about what we should wear to Thanksgiving dinner. I know exactly what she expects of us (her children). She has raised me to know that family is important and that we should dress well for special occasions. The reason these texts bothered me is because I am an adult now. Not only that, I am a married adult who lives with her husband and child (not under her roof). I didn’t appreciate the texts because it felt like she was trying to micromanage my life. I don’t like having negative feelings toward her, but its how I felt.

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Henry B. Eyring, “That We May Be One,” Ensign, May 1998, 66.  

My Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage

I feel extremely blessed to have not had any problems in this area with my spouse, however, I am well aware that several people do. That’s not to say that this aspect of our marriage is perfect. The thing that has made all of the difference is the fact that my husband and I openly communicate about it. We talk about what we need. So far in our marriage we have been on the same page. It probably will change as our lives get busier and more kids come; I’m sure adjustments will need to be made and we will have to work at it.

In response to the question, “Could you please tell me the Mormon philosophy toward sexuality?” a young mission companion of Brent A. Barlow exclaimed, “We believe in it.” We believe that sex is to be shared between a man and a woman who are married. It is an expression of our love and commitment to one another. God intended for it to be this way, both for our pleasure as eternal companions and to bring children into the world.

I am sensitive to the fact that a lot of couples, especially couples that share my same faith and values, may have a difficult time with this. Whether because they were never taught that sex is okay within the bonds of matrimony, or perhaps because they were abused, or any other reasons, there are plenty of professionals out there to help one overcome these hurdles.

I was extremely lucky to have an understanding that sex was meant to be (in marriage), and that my mom lent me the book “The Act of Marriage” by a Christian authors Tim and Beverly LaHaye before our wedding night. I’m not sure if my husband and I would have been as open and willing to discuss our wants and needs had my mom not given me this book 

A few posts back I talked about a couple I know who are working through their marriage. The husband had a 5 year affair. I can tell you right now that in his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” Goddard discusses the steps that lead to infidelity in marriage. These steps are the exact steps this man took that led him down a dark path. The steps are:

• Behaviors that seem innocent (in this man’s case – missionary work)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting with justification
• Relationship is labeled “special”
• Opportunities created to see “special friend” (this man even brought her into his family’s life, since she was investigating the church)
• Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person
• Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend” (he was already emotionally distanced from his wife for a long time before anything sexual took place)
• Faultfinding with spouse (he placed the blame on his wife)
• Fantiasies about other person
• Physical affection
• Sexual relations 

This man that I know is extremely lucky to have such a strong wife who understands the importance of family. She is willing to work with him as he goes through the long difficult repentance process. I admire her testimony of the gospel. Having learned about this my husband and I have been able to discuss it and are well aware of the temptations that are all around us. We have further committed ourselves to each other in every aspect of our marriage. Our only hope is that we both continue on the path that we are on. We hope that we continue to openly communicate so that our needs and wants (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) are being met.

Lastly, in a world where free-sex is normalized and pornography is available at our fingertips, it is so important to teach our children. We need to teach them that sexual intimacy is to be shared between husband and wife, that pornography is not normal and it is okay to talk about things they may have seen on accident (it is inevitable that they will come across it), and so many other things. We need to be open with our children, starting at a young age, about sex.

Here is a great video about why we should teach our children about sex:

 https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-12-001-why-should-parents-talk-to-their-children-about-sexual-intimacy?lang=eng

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

My Thoughts on Charity in Marriage

The past week and a half have been spent studying all about love. Not just any love though, charity - the pure love of Christ. A portion of this weeks lesson focused on having charity in our marriages, and I gave a talk in church this past Sunday about basically the same thing. 

 

One of the talks in this past General Conference talked about seeing our fellowmen through our Heavenly Father's eyes. Elder Renlund, newly called apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said the following:

"... in the Church, to effectively serve others we must see them through a parent’s eyes, through Heavenly Father’s eyes. Only then can we begin to comprehend the true worth of a soul. Only then can we sense the love that Heavenly Father has for all of His children. Only then can we sense the Savior’s caring concern for them. We cannot completely fulfill our covenant obligation to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort unless we see them through God’s eyes. This expanded perspective will open our hearts to the disappointments, fears, and heartaches of others.”

It is so easy to get angry and frustrated with our spouses. However, it is important that we work on seeing them for who they are, children of a loving Father in Heaven. We must strive to understand where they are coming from in any given situation. We need to be loving towards them instead of criticizing. 

This last Sunday in one of our classes, a woman shared a simple story about how she worked on showing love and charity toward her spouse. Her husband was in dental school at the time and she often would iron his scrubs for him. One day, for whatever reason, she was really annoyed that she was ironing his scrubs. She didn't really want to. Then she changed her perspective on the situation. She decided to think positively; she chose to acknowledge that she was ironing his scrubs because she loves him. I'm so grateful she shared this story, because the very next day I had a chance to practice. My husband had left several dirty clothes spread across our tiny room. I was upset that he had been so inconsiderate. I was annoyed because I had to gather the laundry to do it at my in-laws since ours was broken. I was gently reminded of this woman's story and decided to think the same thing. It changed my perspective and helped my love for my husband grow.  

My Thoughts on Managing Conflict and Consecrating Ourselves

What I read for my class this week really can help me in all of my relationships, not just my marriage. One talk we were asked to read is called “Agency and Anger” given by Elder Lynn G. Robbins in April 1998. The part that stood out to me was this:

A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to, ”“accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose! 

One of the reasons we came to this earth was to learn to act for ourselves. We have been given agency. We can choose to act or to be acted upon. Just because somebody does or says something we don’t particularly appreciate, does not mean that we have to be angry. We can choose higher ground and react with patience and love, much like our Savior.

This talk reminded me of the talk Elder Bednar gave in General Conference several years ago. Here is a clip from that talk:

Another concept from this week that I love was the application of the law of consecration. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are asked to give of our time, talents, and resources to the building up of the kingdom of God. Does this not include our marriages and families? We should be living self-lessly and devoting our time, talents, and resources to our spouse and family. I had never thought of applying the law of consecration in this way. 

My Thoughts on Pride

Pride has been a recent topic of conversation, and reading about it this week really hit home for me.

In his April 1989 General Conference address, President Ezra Taft Benson stated, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves… Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”

I know someone who let his pride interfere with his marriage. He and his wife weren’t the best at communicating. He placed blame on his wife for his unhappiness in their marriage. His pride completely consumed him. Instead of humbling himself and figuring out ways to strengthen his marriage, he let his feelings of neglect fester inside. His “Woe is me” attitude somehow justified in his eyes a five-year affair. He thought that since he was doing everything else right that this affair was okay. His wife had no idea.

President Benson continues, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?”

After he had come clean, he admitted that it was all because of pride. He let his pride stand in the way of his covenant marriage, and his relationship with God. He had a sense of entitlement that led him to believe he wasn’t in the wrong. It took years of living a lie before he recognized that he was completely at fault. It was his own actions, not his wife’s, which led him down this dark path.

In “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, Goddard states, “The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others.” It took several years, but this man finally realized what he was doing was terribly wrong. He took a long hard look at his life and recognized that he was putting all of his eggs in one basket: his own.

Thankfully his wife is a saint and is willing to work things out. He still has a lot of pride and definitely needs to work on it. However, their marriage is already improving.

When I was single, Elder David A. Bednar did a Q & A session for my stake. It was in open mic format, so people would come to the microphone to ask him questions and he would give his response. His answer to almost every question was to "turn outward". No matter if the person was having trouble with faith, questions about family life, etc. his answer was always to stop looking at yourself and to serve. This goes right along with this weeks lesson. There have been plenty of times in my marriage that I take the low road and let pride take over my feelings. I start to think solely of myself and my needs. Those are the times I need to pray for humility and serve my husband. That is my goal from now until forever. I don’t ever want my pride to get in the way of my marriage, or my relationship with Christ. 

My Thoughts on Staying Emotionally Connected

This week the topic for my class was “staying emotionally connected”. Every couple goes through times of strife, and my husband and I are no exception. However, as I read through Gottman’s book and went through all of the exercises for this week, I feel very blessed to know that my husband and I are very emotionally connected; we are basically connected at the hip.  Again, that is not to say that we are without fault in our marriage.

I particularly have some work to do, but I think the things I need to work on are indirectly related to my relationship with my husband. In Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, he talks about how having faith in Jesus Christ will help your marriage. I know that I have a Savior who loves me and suffered for me. However, just as James 2:26 states, “Faith without works is dead.”  I personally could do a lot more to show my faith and develop a closer relationship with Jesus Christ.

In this chapter on faith, Goddard quoted President Ezra Taft Benson who stated, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claim for our affections, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.” (Goddard, 2009. P. 58) I’ve always believed this to be true. There have been times in my life that I have put Him first, and everything worked itself out. Though now amid all of my stress, I have neglected to put this principle into practice.  I wonder how much different the last few weeks would have been if I had been doing this all along.

Goddard further explained, “ When we have vibrant faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character…  As we turn from the ways of the natural man, to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of God-given charity.” (Goddard, 2009. P. 59-60)

It takes more than just faith in Christ; it requires “vibrant faith” in Him to acquire “God-given charity”. This is my new goal, to have vibrant faith in Christ so that I can develop a more Christ-like love for my husband and everyone I come in contact with. I need to put Him first in my life. It’s a challenge to do so with a new baby, school, work, chores, etc. But like I said earlier, I have put this into practice before and had amazing, faith-building results. When we give our time to Him, He seems to give us enough time in the day to figure everything else out. It really is incredible. 

I like the analogy of marriage being a triangle. Christ is at the center, highest point. As each partner draws closer to the Savior, they draw closer to each other. That is my hope today, this week, and for the rest of my life, that I will have vibrant faith and draw closer to my Savior, so that I will in turn draw closer to my husband.

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.