My Thoughts on Staying Emotionally Connected

This week the topic for my class was “staying emotionally connected”. Every couple goes through times of strife, and my husband and I are no exception. However, as I read through Gottman’s book and went through all of the exercises for this week, I feel very blessed to know that my husband and I are very emotionally connected; we are basically connected at the hip.  Again, that is not to say that we are without fault in our marriage.

I particularly have some work to do, but I think the things I need to work on are indirectly related to my relationship with my husband. In Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, he talks about how having faith in Jesus Christ will help your marriage. I know that I have a Savior who loves me and suffered for me. However, just as James 2:26 states, “Faith without works is dead.”  I personally could do a lot more to show my faith and develop a closer relationship with Jesus Christ.

In this chapter on faith, Goddard quoted President Ezra Taft Benson who stated, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claim for our affections, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.” (Goddard, 2009. P. 58) I’ve always believed this to be true. There have been times in my life that I have put Him first, and everything worked itself out. Though now amid all of my stress, I have neglected to put this principle into practice.  I wonder how much different the last few weeks would have been if I had been doing this all along.

Goddard further explained, “ When we have vibrant faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character…  As we turn from the ways of the natural man, to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of God-given charity.” (Goddard, 2009. P. 59-60)

It takes more than just faith in Christ; it requires “vibrant faith” in Him to acquire “God-given charity”. This is my new goal, to have vibrant faith in Christ so that I can develop a more Christ-like love for my husband and everyone I come in contact with. I need to put Him first in my life. It’s a challenge to do so with a new baby, school, work, chores, etc. But like I said earlier, I have put this into practice before and had amazing, faith-building results. When we give our time to Him, He seems to give us enough time in the day to figure everything else out. It really is incredible. 

I like the analogy of marriage being a triangle. Christ is at the center, highest point. As each partner draws closer to the Savior, they draw closer to each other. That is my hope today, this week, and for the rest of my life, that I will have vibrant faith and draw closer to my Savior, so that I will in turn draw closer to my husband.

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.

My Thoughts on Cherishing My Spouse

My Thoughts on Cherishing My Spouse

I have never truly understood why marriage becomes more work after you have a baby until I had a baby. Now I know that “Since marriage is God’s finishing school,” (Goddard, 2009. P. 37) and the most difficult challenges have yet to come. Lately we’ve been arguing over vaccines and what to do since she has been struggling taking a bottle and I’m supposed to go back to work this week. I’ve been angry, frustrated, and disappointed.

This week though has been particularly stressful. Monday night we argued, last night we fought some more. I was placing blame on my husband that baby girl wasn’t taking a bottle. Maybe if he spent more time with her, if he had taken the time to try putting her to bed every once in awhile, etc. she would be more comfortable with him feeding her a bottle. Then I placed blame on myself: maybe I should have been more persistent that he spend time with her, perhaps I should have started introducing a pacifier or bottle weeks ago, maybe I’m a bad mom for wanting to work part time. My brain wouldn’t stop there; I started thinking of all of these other off-topic frustrations I have with him. All in all it was an awful downward spiral of contempt.

On top of everything else, I needed to get my reading done for school. The topic this week is “Cherishing Your Spouse”. The last thing I wanted to do last night was read about how I should cherish my spouse. Well, reluctantly I finished the reading. Let’s just say I was served a large slice of humble pie.

First of all, Tyler and I have a wonderful relationship. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, he is my best friend. We have had a blast being married for the past 23 months. However, just like any marriage relationship, we have our moments of being fed-up with one another.

“By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.” (Gottman, 1999, p. 65)

I did not like the way I felt last night; I don’t enjoy being upset. I needed a moment (or two or three) to cool off before I could think about all of the wonderful things my husband has done and continues to do for our family. When I did, it made me feel a lot better. He has significantly more positive qualities then negative, and I should be dwelling on that.

The other book I’m required to read had some great, spiritual insight as well. He referred to marriage as the opportunity to create our own Zion. I interpret Zion to mean a refuge from the world, a heaven on earth if you will. Goddard said:

We have limited choices: to chafe and struggle in unsatisfying relationships, or put our natures on the altar for God to change, or we can depart Zion disenchanted… Most of us are quite determined to love perfectly when we make covenants to each other. But we put off the natural man if the resolve is to last. Even if we have had a mighty change of heart – even if at some time in our lives God has filled our souls – every day we decide anew whether to live by the guidelines of the mind of Christ or the imperatives of the natural man. Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love – or whimper in discontent. (Goddard, 2009. P. 38)

Just like I made the choice to marry my husband, I can make the choice whether or not to be Christ like towards him. That is what I need to work on. Choosing to admire the incredible man I chose to marry instead of focusing on any random thing that is bothering me that day. I think I’ll choose to sing the song of redeeming love.

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.

My Thoughts on Friendship & Communication

One of the required books for my marriage class is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, Ph. D. and Nan Silver. In it he states,  “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” If that is the case, then mine is a happy marriage.

It’s hard for me to pinpoint when my husband became my best friend. I’m not sure if it was when we were dating, or sometime after we got married. Regardless, I know that how we communicate with each other has influenced our relationship greatly.

I remember our first “fight” a couple months after we started dating. We had taken a road trip (our first lengthy one) to California, and at some point during our travels we got lost. I can’t remember what the circumstances were, but I remember we both became annoyed with each other. Whatever happened, it was a turning point for me in my feelings for him. I valued the way he treated me in that moment, and how I was able to handle it. Because of that I knew that we had a solid relationship.

Another reason I feel like we became best friends is because I wasn’t afraid to talk to him about anything. For example, we talked about pornography before we got married. I wanted to know what his exposure was (because it is unfortunately inevitable these days), and if he still had a problem with it. I was so scared to talk to him not necessarily because of what his answer may be, but because it was uncomfortable. We had a great conversation about it and it yet again solidified our relationship. From that point on I knew that I could talk to him about anything.

One of the first myths Gottman debunks about marriage is that effective communication and conflict resolution is not the key to a happy marriage. It’s funny because that is exactly the advice I give to everyone I know who gets married: communication is key! I still think that it is incredibly important. I know that if I ever let things fester inside, I will explode. I need to communicate with my husband daily about what is frustrating me. I personally feel like communication is what prevents a lot of fighting in my marriage.

Now of course there are reasons aside from our great, yet still in need of improvement, communication that we have become best friends. We are interested in the same things. We have similar humor. We like to be around each other. We have common goals. These all seem like no-brainers when looking into marrying someone. They say that opposites attract, but in my case, it isn’t true. We are so similar in so many ways, and it has strengthened our relationship for the better.

Here’s a picture of us, still happy, after spending 3 weeks 24/7 together in Europe.

My Thoughts on Eternal Marriage

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for my marriage. We have been married just shy of two years and they have been the greatest years of my life. I have learned more about myself since marrying Tyler. We are so similar, but we have different weaknesses and strengths that compliment each other. The best part of our marriage is the fact that it is eternal. We were sealed in the Mesa, Arizona LDS Temple. This means that our marriage will last beyond the grave. We will be together forever. That is pretty romantic if you ask me. But beyond the romance, it gives us an eternal perspective. We see beyond the now. We work through any problems that arise because our marriage is meant to last forever, so we have to treat it that way.

In October 1996, Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy gave a talk in the LDS General Conference called Covenant Marriage. He talks about the difference between our temple “covenant” marriages and “contractual” marriages. He says that those in an eternal marriage give 100% while those in civil marriages only give 50%. While I think that is not necessarily completely accurate of all couples, it is true for most. When we are sealed in the temple, we make covenants with God and our new spouse to stay true to each other and work towards eternal perfection together. Therefore we strive to pour our heart and soul into our marriages.

In his talk he describes three different difficulties or “wolves” every marriage will face: “natural adversity”, our “own imperfections”, and “excessive individualism”.

Some things we cannot control, but how we handle them will make all of the difference. Natural adversities are things that are completely out of our hands. Things like death, infertility, natural disasters, etc. I’m sure every new mom experiences extreme anxiety about their newborn babies, and I was no exception. For the first few weeks of her life I was terrified of SIDS, and I still am. However, when she was so tiny my anxiety was exponential. My husband reassured me; he held me and sweetly said that if she was one of those choice spirits who gets called home early, we will be okay. Our baby is still with us, but that sweet reassurance of his faith and testimony was enough to calm my troubled mommy heart.

The other two wolves we do have control over: our own imperfections and excessive individualism. We can individually make goals and work on our weaknesses. After all that is what we are here for, to strive for perfection. We also must strive to focus on our spouse, instead of ourselves. We should not be so selfish to only think of our own wants and needs. I’m sure that marriages will withstand the test of time if each spouse focuses on the other’s wants and needs.

I know that I do not give 100% of myself to my marriage and that is something I need to work on. Distractions come and it is easy to get off track, but it is never too late to make changes. I would hope that whoever out there is reading my blog will take a long hard look at their marriages and find the things that they themselves can work on. I encourage you to focus on your spouse; what are his/her wants and needs? How can you meet those needs? Even if you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you can strive to have a covenant marriage and give 100%.

My Thoughts on the Definition of Marriage

The definition of marriage has been debated for the last several years. I’ll be the first to admit that, while I knew I should support the traditional marriage (between a man and a woman), I did not understand why. I felt like I shouldn’t support same-sex marriage because the Church said not to, but I honestly did not see the problem in it. I thought, “If they aren’t hurting me or taking away from my marriage, what’s the big deal?” The articles read for my marriage class this week gave me new insight and now I understand why.  

Marriage is a relationship meant for husband and wife, one male and one female, to bring children into this world. That was the way God intended it. This union goes beyond emotions. It is the physical union of man and woman as well. Same-sex marriage is based on emotion; two females or two males cannot create children.

Another point that was brought up in the article “Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here? The pro-marriage case can win — if we don’t give up on it.” by Ryan T. Anderson, is that children do better when raised by their biological mother and father. This is not even pointing a finger at the LGBT community. The proof is in the research on children living with single mothers, single fathers, divorced parents, or stepfamilies. There is a lower risk of children dropping out of school, pregnancy out of wedlock, depression, etc., when they are raised by both of their biological parents. These cold hard facts prove that children being raised by homosexual couples are at a greater risk for maladjustment, and that is without doing any research on these families.

My opinion has not changed. I still do not support same-sex marriage. However, I do love my fellow men. I work as a dental hygienist and we have a few gays who come to our office. They are sweet and kind. I may not agree with their lifestyle, but I refuse not appreciate them as the wonderful human beings that they are. I believe that even though we all have different opinions, it does not warrant being hateful. We need to show love to all of our fellow men, no matter their sexual orientation, for that is what Christ would do.