My Thoughts on In-Laws

“Extended family relationships can do much to support and strengthen family members” – James M. Harper & Susanne Frost Olsen

When my husband and I officially became engaged I had one small dilemma: I had no idea what to call my soon-to-be in-laws. Before our new relationship status, I had always referred to them as “Brother Ray” or “Sister Ray”. This title is what we use in the LDS church, especially when younger people address adults; it replaces “Mister” or “Misses”. Since I now had no idea what to call them, and I felt awkward asking, I would avoid ever directly addressing them. If I needed to ask one of them something, I’d wait until they were looking at me before I started talking. Needless to say it was an awkward time in my life, for me – not them.

Then we got married and the dilemma grew even greater. Some of my brother and sister-in-laws called them by their first names, and others called them “Mom” or “Dad”. Again, the confusion! I didn’t know what to do. It felt so weird to call them that right away, but I didn’t want to seem insensitive or something. So for a while I alternated between Mom/Dad and their first names. Then my friends and I talked about it and they agreed that it felt weird to call their in-laws anything but their first names. So, I stopped alternating and switched to their first names again.

(Above: Our parents)

After reading the article by Harper, I’ve learned that I should try to call them Mom and Dad. I won’t be showing any disloyalty to my parents by doing so. “While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents… Likewise, it means a great deal for an in-law to be referred to by siblings simply as “my brother” or “my sister” rather than always being labeled as in-laws.” (Harper P. 331).

Part of the many wonderful reasons why I married my husband is because of his family. It makes such a huge difference to have in-laws that are supportive and loving. My mom always stressed that to me. I have been so lucky to have healthy relationships with my in-laws, both with my husband’s parents and siblings.

(Above: Me and all (but one) of my new sisters - I love this picture!)

I’ve been working on referring to my brother and sister-in-laws as just my brothers and sisters. I know it probably doesn’t make a difference to them (since they probably won’t ever hear me talking about them to other people/referring to them that way), however it has already changed my perspective. This includes my wonderful siblings-in-law on my side of the family. My husband was the last to get married of his 7 siblings, so by the time I came along all of his siblings knew how to welcome me. I was the first to get married on my side, so I need to be better at including new siblings. My sister got married a few months after me, and since our husbands get along so well we’ve all become great friends. Now my brother has recently married. I love his wife dearly and I’m trying hard to include her and become closer to her. It really makes a huge difference when you put effort into making your in-law relationships blossom!

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2 & Chapter 11). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

My Thoughts on Cleaving to our Spouse and Power Relationships

My Thoughts on Cleaving to our Spouse and Power Relationships

“And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” -Henry B. Eyring 

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we are taught that when we are married we are to “cleave unto [our spouse] and none else.” I have always thought this was such a beautiful concept. My life changed the moment I kneeled across the alter and was sealed to my husband. That act (marrying my husband) meant that I was promising to give up life as I knew it to create a new family with him. There have been times when I perhaps could have clung a little tighter to Tyler, specifically when we disagree on things.

For example, when we realized that we disagreed about vaccinating our daughter, I talked to his mom about our disagreement. Even though I didn’t say anything necessarily bad about him, it didn’t build our relationship. I should have kept that between us. I should not have discussed it with her-especially since I knew she would agree with me.

Since my husband is applying to medical school, it is imperative that I keep this principle in mind as we decide where to go. As of right now, we are only accepted into one school, so I won’t have to decide. However, I will have to choose how moving will affect my attitude. The school we’ve been accepted to is on the other side of the country. I really will need to cleave unto my husband during that time. I have no doubt that it will be a struggle for the both of us (adjusting to life on the other side of the country, away from family, and life as a medical student/wife). I also have no doubt that if we cling to each other and our faith we will make it out all right.

“When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”–Richard Miller 

The article we read by Richard Miller talks about parents leaving their children be when they are married. This is hitting close to home at the moment. I love my mom very much, but the last couple of weeks she has sent some frustrating texts. One was about a scouting activity of my brothers, explaining how she wants us to be there because family comes first and it would me a lot to him. The other was about what we should wear to Thanksgiving dinner. I know exactly what she expects of us (her children). She has raised me to know that family is important and that we should dress well for special occasions. The reason these texts bothered me is because I am an adult now. Not only that, I am a married adult who lives with her husband and child (not under her roof). I didn’t appreciate the texts because it felt like she was trying to micromanage my life. I don’t like having negative feelings toward her, but its how I felt.

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Henry B. Eyring, “That We May Be One,” Ensign, May 1998, 66.