Hello! My name is Tori. This blog is an assignment in a Marriage class I am currently taking through BYU Idaho. I am studying Marriage and Family Relationships. In an ever-changing world, I find the family to be the most important unit of society and it is the most at-risk. The world no longer emphasizes family life. Marriages are often tossed aside because it is easier to give up rather than fight to stay together. In this blog I will be sharing my opinion about different topics, specifically revolving around marriage. I will include insights from different articles and talks that I have to read from my class. Thanks for reading; I hope you enjoy!
For the longest time I thought less of people who were divorced, especially those who shared my faith. I assumed that they must have given up on their marriage, that they were lazy, and that they must not have an understanding of the importance of that relationship. I think my horrible judgment stemmed from the strength my mom had in her marriage. Despite all of the difficulties in her marriage, my mom stayed true to my dad and was with him until the end. Divorce was never an option. I guess I thought that if my mom could power through her difficult relationship, anyone could and should.
It wasn’t until a few years ago when I met a recent divorcee that I was made aware of my awful assumptions. She had been married for a few years and had given her all in her marriage. She made the ultimate sacrifice and changed her dreams to match up with his. She dropped out of college to support her husband and all of his business endeavors. One failed business attempt after the other, she continued working hard to support him, and his ideas, financially. After a few years of this, he started to change. Despite her obvious love and devotion to him and their relationship, he grew distant. He stopped wearing his garments. One day he told her he didn’t love her anymore and asked for a divorce. Blindsided and completely heartbroken, she knew there was nothing she could do to save her marriage, for she had already given it her all and he made the choice to quit. We cried together after she told me this story. I cried because I could feel her pain and I couldn’t believe that I had ever thought poorly about those who had gone through divorce. Clearly this woman, my dear, new friend, was not lazy, she had not given up, and she had a perfect understanding of the importance of marriage.
The reason I brought this story up is because it totally changed my perspective on divorce. Unfortunately, there are some people who don’t make their marriage a priority and they do just give up. My friend’s ex is a perfect example of this. However, there are plenty of divorcees who, like my friend, had completely devoted themselves to their spouse and marriage. Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ conference address titled “Divorce” gives perfect counsel on the subject. I wish I had paid more attention when he had given this address in 2007, for then perhaps I wouldn’t have had such a poor opinion about divorced men and women.
My position on divorce is that it is a painful step that should only be taken if fixing a broken marriage is no longer an option. An example of this would be in cases of abuse or neglect. The first step should always be to seek guidance and counsel from the Lord, and then a bishop or a marriage counselor (specifically one from LDS services, if the couple is in fact LDS). When difficulties arise in marriage it seems easy to just run away from them instead of facing them. I am positive that ignoring the issues is more painful than confronting them head on. Forgiving and forgetting is imperative to moving past the hard times. Elder Oaks said it best when he said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” I couldn’t agree more.
Some gems from Elder Oaks to leave you with:
“The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce.”
“Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.”
“Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”
“In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine.”
“Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.”
“The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person.”
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