My Thoughts on Cherishing My Spouse

My Thoughts on Cherishing My Spouse

I have never truly understood why marriage becomes more work after you have a baby until I had a baby. Now I know that “Since marriage is God’s finishing school,” (Goddard, 2009. P. 37) and the most difficult challenges have yet to come. Lately we’ve been arguing over vaccines and what to do since she has been struggling taking a bottle and I’m supposed to go back to work this week. I’ve been angry, frustrated, and disappointed.

This week though has been particularly stressful. Monday night we argued, last night we fought some more. I was placing blame on my husband that baby girl wasn’t taking a bottle. Maybe if he spent more time with her, if he had taken the time to try putting her to bed every once in awhile, etc. she would be more comfortable with him feeding her a bottle. Then I placed blame on myself: maybe I should have been more persistent that he spend time with her, perhaps I should have started introducing a pacifier or bottle weeks ago, maybe I’m a bad mom for wanting to work part time. My brain wouldn’t stop there; I started thinking of all of these other off-topic frustrations I have with him. All in all it was an awful downward spiral of contempt.

On top of everything else, I needed to get my reading done for school. The topic this week is “Cherishing Your Spouse”. The last thing I wanted to do last night was read about how I should cherish my spouse. Well, reluctantly I finished the reading. Let’s just say I was served a large slice of humble pie.

First of all, Tyler and I have a wonderful relationship. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, he is my best friend. We have had a blast being married for the past 23 months. However, just like any marriage relationship, we have our moments of being fed-up with one another.

“By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.” (Gottman, 1999, p. 65)

I did not like the way I felt last night; I don’t enjoy being upset. I needed a moment (or two or three) to cool off before I could think about all of the wonderful things my husband has done and continues to do for our family. When I did, it made me feel a lot better. He has significantly more positive qualities then negative, and I should be dwelling on that.

The other book I’m required to read had some great, spiritual insight as well. He referred to marriage as the opportunity to create our own Zion. I interpret Zion to mean a refuge from the world, a heaven on earth if you will. Goddard said:

We have limited choices: to chafe and struggle in unsatisfying relationships, or put our natures on the altar for God to change, or we can depart Zion disenchanted… Most of us are quite determined to love perfectly when we make covenants to each other. But we put off the natural man if the resolve is to last. Even if we have had a mighty change of heart – even if at some time in our lives God has filled our souls – every day we decide anew whether to live by the guidelines of the mind of Christ or the imperatives of the natural man. Every day, every hour we decide whether we will continue to sing the song of redeeming love – or whimper in discontent. (Goddard, 2009. P. 38)

Just like I made the choice to marry my husband, I can make the choice whether or not to be Christ like towards him. That is what I need to work on. Choosing to admire the incredible man I chose to marry instead of focusing on any random thing that is bothering me that day. I think I’ll choose to sing the song of redeeming love.

Goddard, H. Wallace. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Utah: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.

My Thoughts on Friendship & Communication

One of the required books for my marriage class is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, Ph. D. and Nan Silver. In it he states,  “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” If that is the case, then mine is a happy marriage.

It’s hard for me to pinpoint when my husband became my best friend. I’m not sure if it was when we were dating, or sometime after we got married. Regardless, I know that how we communicate with each other has influenced our relationship greatly.

I remember our first “fight” a couple months after we started dating. We had taken a road trip (our first lengthy one) to California, and at some point during our travels we got lost. I can’t remember what the circumstances were, but I remember we both became annoyed with each other. Whatever happened, it was a turning point for me in my feelings for him. I valued the way he treated me in that moment, and how I was able to handle it. Because of that I knew that we had a solid relationship.

Another reason I feel like we became best friends is because I wasn’t afraid to talk to him about anything. For example, we talked about pornography before we got married. I wanted to know what his exposure was (because it is unfortunately inevitable these days), and if he still had a problem with it. I was so scared to talk to him not necessarily because of what his answer may be, but because it was uncomfortable. We had a great conversation about it and it yet again solidified our relationship. From that point on I knew that I could talk to him about anything.

One of the first myths Gottman debunks about marriage is that effective communication and conflict resolution is not the key to a happy marriage. It’s funny because that is exactly the advice I give to everyone I know who gets married: communication is key! I still think that it is incredibly important. I know that if I ever let things fester inside, I will explode. I need to communicate with my husband daily about what is frustrating me. I personally feel like communication is what prevents a lot of fighting in my marriage.

Now of course there are reasons aside from our great, yet still in need of improvement, communication that we have become best friends. We are interested in the same things. We have similar humor. We like to be around each other. We have common goals. These all seem like no-brainers when looking into marrying someone. They say that opposites attract, but in my case, it isn’t true. We are so similar in so many ways, and it has strengthened our relationship for the better.

Here’s a picture of us, still happy, after spending 3 weeks 24/7 together in Europe.

My Thoughts on Eternal Marriage

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for my marriage. We have been married just shy of two years and they have been the greatest years of my life. I have learned more about myself since marrying Tyler. We are so similar, but we have different weaknesses and strengths that compliment each other. The best part of our marriage is the fact that it is eternal. We were sealed in the Mesa, Arizona LDS Temple. This means that our marriage will last beyond the grave. We will be together forever. That is pretty romantic if you ask me. But beyond the romance, it gives us an eternal perspective. We see beyond the now. We work through any problems that arise because our marriage is meant to last forever, so we have to treat it that way.

In October 1996, Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy gave a talk in the LDS General Conference called Covenant Marriage. He talks about the difference between our temple “covenant” marriages and “contractual” marriages. He says that those in an eternal marriage give 100% while those in civil marriages only give 50%. While I think that is not necessarily completely accurate of all couples, it is true for most. When we are sealed in the temple, we make covenants with God and our new spouse to stay true to each other and work towards eternal perfection together. Therefore we strive to pour our heart and soul into our marriages.

In his talk he describes three different difficulties or “wolves” every marriage will face: “natural adversity”, our “own imperfections”, and “excessive individualism”.

Some things we cannot control, but how we handle them will make all of the difference. Natural adversities are things that are completely out of our hands. Things like death, infertility, natural disasters, etc. I’m sure every new mom experiences extreme anxiety about their newborn babies, and I was no exception. For the first few weeks of her life I was terrified of SIDS, and I still am. However, when she was so tiny my anxiety was exponential. My husband reassured me; he held me and sweetly said that if she was one of those choice spirits who gets called home early, we will be okay. Our baby is still with us, but that sweet reassurance of his faith and testimony was enough to calm my troubled mommy heart.

The other two wolves we do have control over: our own imperfections and excessive individualism. We can individually make goals and work on our weaknesses. After all that is what we are here for, to strive for perfection. We also must strive to focus on our spouse, instead of ourselves. We should not be so selfish to only think of our own wants and needs. I’m sure that marriages will withstand the test of time if each spouse focuses on the other’s wants and needs.

I know that I do not give 100% of myself to my marriage and that is something I need to work on. Distractions come and it is easy to get off track, but it is never too late to make changes. I would hope that whoever out there is reading my blog will take a long hard look at their marriages and find the things that they themselves can work on. I encourage you to focus on your spouse; what are his/her wants and needs? How can you meet those needs? Even if you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you can strive to have a covenant marriage and give 100%.

My Thoughts on the Definition of Marriage

The definition of marriage has been debated for the last several years. I’ll be the first to admit that, while I knew I should support the traditional marriage (between a man and a woman), I did not understand why. I felt like I shouldn’t support same-sex marriage because the Church said not to, but I honestly did not see the problem in it. I thought, “If they aren’t hurting me or taking away from my marriage, what’s the big deal?” The articles read for my marriage class this week gave me new insight and now I understand why.  

Marriage is a relationship meant for husband and wife, one male and one female, to bring children into this world. That was the way God intended it. This union goes beyond emotions. It is the physical union of man and woman as well. Same-sex marriage is based on emotion; two females or two males cannot create children.

Another point that was brought up in the article “Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here? The pro-marriage case can win — if we don’t give up on it.” by Ryan T. Anderson, is that children do better when raised by their biological mother and father. This is not even pointing a finger at the LGBT community. The proof is in the research on children living with single mothers, single fathers, divorced parents, or stepfamilies. There is a lower risk of children dropping out of school, pregnancy out of wedlock, depression, etc., when they are raised by both of their biological parents. These cold hard facts prove that children being raised by homosexual couples are at a greater risk for maladjustment, and that is without doing any research on these families.

My opinion has not changed. I still do not support same-sex marriage. However, I do love my fellow men. I work as a dental hygienist and we have a few gays who come to our office. They are sweet and kind. I may not agree with their lifestyle, but I refuse not appreciate them as the wonderful human beings that they are. I believe that even though we all have different opinions, it does not warrant being hateful. We need to show love to all of our fellow men, no matter their sexual orientation, for that is what Christ would do. 

Introductions & My Thoughts on Divorce

Hello! My name is Tori. This blog is an assignment in a Marriage class I am currently taking through BYU Idaho. I am studying Marriage and Family Relationships. In an ever-changing world, I find the family to be the most important unit of society and it is the most at-risk. The world no longer emphasizes family life. Marriages are often tossed aside because it is easier to give up rather than fight to stay together. In this blog I will be sharing my opinion about different topics, specifically revolving around marriage. I will include insights from different articles and talks that I have to read from my class. Thanks for reading; I hope you enjoy!

For the longest time I thought less of people who were divorced, especially those who shared my faith. I assumed that they must have given up on their marriage, that they were lazy, and that they must not have an understanding of the importance of that relationship. I think my horrible judgment stemmed from the strength my mom had in her marriage. Despite all of the difficulties in her marriage, my mom stayed true to my dad and was with him until the end. Divorce was never an option. I guess I thought that if my mom could power through her difficult relationship, anyone could and should.

It wasn’t until a few years ago when I met a recent divorcee that I was made aware of my awful assumptions. She had been married for a few years and had given her all in her marriage. She made the ultimate sacrifice and changed her dreams to match up with his. She dropped out of college to support her husband and all of his business endeavors. One failed business attempt after the other, she continued working hard to support him, and his ideas, financially. After a few years of this, he started to change. Despite her obvious love and devotion to him and their relationship, he grew distant. He stopped wearing his garments. One day he told her he didn’t love her anymore and asked for a divorce. Blindsided and completely heartbroken, she knew there was nothing she could do to save her marriage, for she had already given it her all and he made the choice to quit. We cried together after she told me this story. I cried because I could feel her pain and I couldn’t believe that I had ever thought poorly about those who had gone through divorce. Clearly this woman, my dear, new friend, was not lazy, she had not given up, and she had a perfect understanding of the importance of marriage.

The reason I brought this story up is because it totally changed my perspective on divorce. Unfortunately, there are some people who don’t make their marriage a priority and they do just give up. My friend’s ex is a perfect example of this. However, there are plenty of divorcees who, like my friend, had completely devoted themselves to their spouse and marriage. Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ conference address titled “Divorce” gives perfect counsel on the subject. I wish I had paid more attention when he had given this address in 2007, for then perhaps I wouldn’t have had such a poor opinion about divorced men and women.  

 My position on divorce is that it is a painful step that should only be taken if fixing a broken marriage is no longer an option. An example of this would be in cases of abuse or neglect. The first step should always be to seek guidance and counsel from the Lord, and then a bishop or a marriage counselor (specifically one from LDS services, if the couple is in fact LDS).  When difficulties arise in marriage it seems easy to just run away from them instead of facing them. I am positive that ignoring the issues is more painful than confronting them head on. Forgiving and forgetting is imperative to moving past the hard times. Elder Oaks said it best when he said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” I couldn’t agree more.

Some gems from Elder Oaks to leave you with:

 “The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce.”

  “Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.”

 “Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”

“In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine.”

“Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.”

“The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person.”